Current mood:house of mirrors

i was reflecting today, on a previous relationship.  looking for me in sticky piles of movie clips.  in this particular relationship [wow, hindsight is making me feel so safe right now] i noticed, in my memories, that i’d gotten early signals from this woman about what would happen.  there’s a western [Open Range (2003), directed by Kevin Costner] where the cowboy says “mosta the time a man’ll tell you his bad intentions, if you listen, let yourself hear.”

i wouldn’t say what she did was bad intentions, cause then i’d have bad intentions too.  judgments aside, there was an early signal that i was in deeper than she.  there was a sentence she spoke, that i remembered today.  i remembered ignoring it then, too: “you look at me the way i look at things.”

the ardor in my gaze is not specially for you, she was saying.  it turned out true.  first red flag.  sometimes i leak love, bleed it out.  i didn’t see a thing. or ignored it.  same shit.  why bear the world?  why not build it?  it’s the same magnitude of soul drain to do either. [and there are piles of ways to get soul back.]  what?

don’t watch your life go by, teevee babee.

Currently listening:
By Cirque Du Soleil
Release date: 11 October, 1994


About Suhail Rafidi

Suhail Rafidi is a novelist and educator whose works explore the destiny of human values in a technological landscape. You can find him on Twitter, too, @shelldive.
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