Current mood:house of mirrors
i was reflecting today, on a previous relationship. looking for me in sticky piles of movie clips. in this particular relationship [wow, hindsight is making me feel so safe right now] i noticed, in my memories, that i’d gotten early signals from this woman about what would happen. there’s a western [Open Range (2003), directed by Kevin Costner] where the cowboy says “mosta the time a man’ll tell you his bad intentions, if you listen, let yourself hear.”
i wouldn’t say what she did was bad intentions, cause then i’d have bad intentions too. judgments aside, there was an early signal that i was in deeper than she. there was a sentence she spoke, that i remembered today. i remembered ignoring it then, too: “you look at me the way i look at things.”
the ardor in my gaze is not specially for you, she was saying. it turned out true. first red flag. sometimes i leak love, bleed it out. i didn’t see a thing. or ignored it. same shit. why bear the world? why not build it? it’s the same magnitude of soul drain to do either. [and there are piles of ways to get soul back.] what?
don’t watch your life go by, teevee babee.
By Cirque Du Soleil
Release date: 11 October, 1994